There Are Rednecks in Brooklyn!!! Er, make that Rednex

This morning I hungoverly spilled out of my door into the 90 degree Brooklyn heat with this terrible noise in my head. As I violently rubbed the sleep encrusted corners of my eyes, a pulsing house beat pounded away in my the bowels of my head. "Jesus what have I done to myself," I muttered out loud, squinting and hacking up lumps of chunky mucous. "Unst-Unst-Unst!" It wouldn't fucking stop. "Unst-Unst-Unst-Unst-Unst-Unst!"

With each footstep, the beat seemed to be increasing in volume. I made it about four blocks south when I was all but convinced that my skull opened up shop to a gay disco open sometime during the previous night.

As, you can expect, there was no rave holding court in my inner ear, but as you might not expect there was an all 10-year-old block party going on, complete with a DJ!

They had multiple inflatable, uhm, what do you call those things? You know, like the bouncy castle, the thing you run through, a giant slide, all that shit!

So I'm walking by this scene and just as I walk right by where the giant speakers are, the literal heartbeat of my earlier confusion, the DJ puts on that Euro-trash disco hit "Cotton Eye Joe" by the utterly forgettable 90's band, Rednex. It's such a terribly hilarious song, and coupled with the 10-year-old army giggling away in a bouncy castle, I couldn't help but smile.

In case you didn't know already, Rednex is still around. Not only that, but they currently can be yours for a cool $1.5mil on ebay!

I had read this tidbit a few days ago and thought to myself, "who the fuck ever listens to that song?" Well, you smug, jaded bitch (talking to myself here), the students of PS 316 on field day. That's who mister!

WOOOO!!! HOLY SHIT ITS NICE IN BROOKLYN!!!

WOOOOO!!!1! THE WEATHER HERE FUCKING RULES BROTHA!! I JUST WHOOPED THAT PRISSY BLAZER WEARING FART SNIFFER PHIL COLLINS' FAIRY ASS ALL OVER THE CANVAS .

NOW ITS TIME TO HOOP IT UP WITH THE BOYS FROM THE STRIP CLUB!!!11!! I LAUGH AT HE WHO DARES TO CHALLENGE THE POWER OF THE WARRIOR!!!!!!!


WOOOOO!!!!!1! ALWAYS BELIEVE!!!!

Unexpected Chicken Wing Massacre

So I was bumbling around midtown when I happened to walk into Grand Central Terminal just as the "TripRewards Ultimate Hot Wing Eating Championship" was getting started. I had been meaning to check it out, but somewhere during the shuffle of my hectic existence, it somehow slipped my mind. Luckily, I stumbled in just 30 seconds into the 12 minute contest.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with such silliness, the eating contest is basically a promotional event paid for by TripRewards and put on by the IFOCE (independent federation of competitive eating). I don't know much about promotional events but apparently the best way to "legitimize" them is by getting a minor celebrity. I was talking with some of the IFOCE people who told me TripRewards wanted to get New York staple Horatio Sanz. Unfortunately, they were unable to pry him from a bar stool at McMannus, so they went with someone who is a bit more "All That." You got it. . .Mr. Fat Albert himself, Keenan Thompson.

Keenan described the event as "wingtastic," although he had little chance to say much else, as he was steamrolled by the master of ceremonies George Shea. Despite a lackluster crowd of about 50 curios onlookers, Shea let loose with his usual barrage of one-liners, curious metaphors and stream of consciousness ramblings. He was cut off by the results before he could inform the crowd of his inner thoughts on the new James Bond, but pitched an idea for a reality show, "Left World." It's sort of big brother meets the mole, but everyone is right handed and is forced to do everything left handed or face elimination. The kicker is, one of the contestants is actually a leftie! Keenan dismissed the idea as "blatant cheating."

Anyway, the affable Joey Chestnut downed more than seven pounds of medium hot wings from Brother Jimmy's to set a new world's record. 7.105 pounds to be exact, which is, according to the IFOCE's Ryan Nerz, approximately 195 wings. For his effort Chestnut received 10000000 or so points from TripRewards, redeemable for a vacation, a couple TVs, 153 days of rental cars or some crap like that.

It was quite the accomplishment, but as I told Keenan, "Hot wings is aight, but they ain't no good burger." Needless to say, he did not laugh.

Woot Day 1

Yay. Well it's time to flex my throbbing, crease-ey, grey muscle and do something creative besides fashioning one-hitters from hairpins and modeling clay. . . So here it is. "WHERE YOU GOING WITH THIS ONE?" the blog that will, unfortunately, raise that very question more often than not.

Well, It's been real so to signal "opening day" of WYGWTO, I hired a celebrity to throw out the first pitch. Enjoy!